Uncle Ken
Sometimes, the "right answers" don't really help issues you have going on in your heart. My Uncle Ken was recently in a car accident. A woman travelling in the opposite direction hit a patch of black ice and swerved over the median. My Uncle is in a medicine-induced and natural coma. He has severe brain trauma and hemorraghing in both sides of the brain and the brain stem. As of yesterday, he was given a 10% chance of survival by the neurologist.
I drove down to Bend, Oregon yesterday with my dad to see him. My Uncle is a big, burly guy...and he's a fighter. He never did get an easy hand dealt to him. He's stuggled to make a good life for himself and family, and he succeeded. That's the image I've always had of my Uncle Ken. Strong. But yesterday, his bulky frame was lying limp in the Intensive Care Unit...a machine was the only thing that kept him from moving from this life into the next. He was completely helpless...and so was I and everyone else.
I have so many questions. I know the ulitmate answer is that God is always in control, and I have faith that even this is somehow a part of His plan...but that doesn't take away the pain I have in my heart. I think I've sort of had this idea that to be "holy" meant to feel only a supernatural joy and wisdom in the middle of a crisis. I have found that this is untrue. It's not that these natural emotions of confusion, vulnerability, and even anger are wrong... if I didn't feel them, it would honestly mean I was hard-hearted or disconnected.
Before Jesus was crucified, he was praying. He was weeping and sweating drops of blood because he knew the unbearable torture that was only a few hours from Him. Jesus prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me..." In other words he was saying, "I don't want to go through this! It hurts!" Jesus, the Son of God...you can't get more holy than that...and all of the feelings I have fade in comparison to the suffering He endured. Even He wanted a way out.
Jesus followed His first statement with, "...yet not my will, but Yours be done." Jesus had a choice to make, run from the pain or embrace God's will. Now, I used to confuse embracing God's will with embracing pain... there's a big difference. First off to embrace or enjoy pain means that there's a serious mental condition, which requires immediate professional help. Embracing God's will, sometimes in the middle of pain, means that you choose to keep an open heart toward God and to persue a relationship with Him. It's easy to run from or shut out pain. It's difficult to take an honest look, make your fears known to God, and continue to move forward in His direction...with your bleeding heart revealed.
posted by jessika @ 2:39 PM
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