Adventure vs. Security
I have constantly struggled with two conflicting values. Adventure vs. Security. I always wanted to make a mark on the world, but at the same time I always had a neat plan laid out:
1. Graduate from high school
2. Go to college
3. Graduate with a Master's degree
4. Start a career
5. Get married...maybe a kid or two, five years apart...pretty much the typical American students' plan for success these days.
I had been accepted to Vanguard University and was finishing the process of ordering extra long sheets for my dorm bed when I realized two things...The first was I had absolutely no clue what I would be interested in studying (and I am definitely not the kind of person who loves academics just for acedemic's sake.) The other was that I had been trying to find my way out of something God had asked me to do about thirteen years before.
I remember being five years old watching an orphan choir from South Africa perform at my church. As they began telling their stories my heart broke and I felt this simple but undeniable call, "I want you to help them." I told my mom during our evening prayer time, "I'm going to be a missionary."
Well, that's always been there, but as I grew older I began feeling how different that was from what was viewed as normal. I went on some summer trips during middle and high school which I thought maybe met the "duty" I had. I planned to move on with goals and aspirations of my own. I was restless and unsatisfied but determined to fit in.
So there I was ordering bed sheets...and those two thoughts hit me. They honestly freaked me out. They didn't work with the mold I had made for my future. To top it off, I am blessed to be the oldest in a minister's family with four siblings that are after me...and I didn't have anything remotely resembling a college fund, other than what I had saved over the summer. That paid for my first semester, but I couldn't in good concience put myself way over my head in student loans when I hadn't the foggiest clue of why I was even going.
So kicking and screaming (literally) I deferred admissions for a year and proceeded to apply for a missions internship. I told God I'd give Him this year since I didn't know what in the world to do with it. I applied for MAPS, which is an Assemblies of God mission internship, in August. I requested to be placed in an African country from December to May. I was approved and told I should have all the details in two weeks...and waited to be placed...and waited... and waited. In fact, I am currently in the process of waiting. I began two part time positions at Bethany Presbyterian Preschool and Homestretch Espresso, and now I am possibly looking for an additional one.
To be honest, these past two, coming up on three, months have been a little discouraging. I've found myself often asking God, "WHY? I did what I felt you asked me to do and it hasn't worked out. I'm here just WAITING." Well, I'm glad God is more patient than I am. He hasn't struck me with lightning for doubting Him or His timing. Lately I've had this sneaking suspicion that when I gave the year to God, I gave up everything. Basically, He has the wheel and He's not interested with my attempted back seat driving. I'm used to running around like a chicken with my head cut off accomplishing things and being important. I've had to realign my thinking because it's not what I do that gives me value, but who I've been created to be. It's been difficult. I haven't "arrived" by any stretch of the imagination, but I have this sense in my heart that gives me peace. I can just picture God holding my hand and whispering, "I have this all figured out. You can trust me."
"In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15
I wanted this blog to be all about my exciting missions adventures. I'm not in Africa yet, but I think my life was created to be a Missions Adventure...so I decided to start writing about it.
posted by jessika @ 4:07 PM
Comments: 3
